While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".
1003/YS - $ 9.99
HOBO W/LARGE HANGING DISCS
|
A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting. "Did you see the shot fired?"
"No sir, I only heard it."
"Stand down, said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value." The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.
"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.
"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.
"That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor," said the witness respectfully
There was an elderly couple in their 80s that was having trouble with their memory, so their doctor recommended they start writing everything down on paper.
A couple of days later the man started towards the kitchen and his wife asked him where he was going. "To get a drink of water" he replied. She asked "will you get me a bowl of vanilla ice cream while you're up" and he replied that he would. On his way to the kitchen, she warned him that he wouldn't remember and should write it down. He stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream". She again stated "you better write it down...you won't remember".
She then asked if he might also put strawberries on top of that ice cream. He agreed. She warned him "you better write it down". Disgruntled, he stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries on it" She then asked "would you also put some whipped cream on top of that ice cream and strawberries?" He agreed. Once again she warned "you better write it down...you won't remember". He once again stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top". She finally said "well all right, but you know what the doctor said...and you won't remember".
The man finally arrived back from the kitchen after about 10 minutes and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She proceeded to get upset with him stating "I told you that you better write it down...that you wouldn't remember....YOU FORGOT THE TOAST!
SITA/05 - $ 8.99
ROUND TOE W/LOW HEEL
|
Busted?
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.
The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
Insurance Claims
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologize. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."
"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"
"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
The End
